Share – My eyes gazed onto the screen as my eighteen-year-old son’s heart recipient had just written requesting a meeting. I had hoped for the opportunity to meet him, but at the same time, I felt mixed emotions.  I was both happy and sad at the same time.  I am discovering in grief that these feelings are more common than I would have expected. I was glad that Grant gave life to four people, but I also knew that the meeting of his recipients would bring some sadness as the probability of pondering about the day of the accident would come into the forefront of my mind.  
 
Ruminating and wondering why Grant was not healed on earth as I had prayed was a trap that I was in on a daily basis. My thinking was creating much internal drama, and thus fatigue and forgetfulness was a bi-product. I was feeling perplexed by God’s plan.  Healing would take place when I agreed to no longer hit the replay and rethink button on my mind. 
 
Insights From Above – Our minds and our hearts are connected. What we believe can actually influence our actions. My own metaphorical heart transplant took place when I asked the Lord to lift all bitterness and anger that I was having towards Him and to rewire how I processed my son’s passing. Getting right with the Lord meant surrendering the angst and extinguishing the action of figuring out why. 
 
A good work in me began to take place when I started seeing with spiritual eyes that  He had not forgotten or forsaken me. This was essential to my healing. Coming to a place where I could genuinely be happy for my son’s recipients meant that I had to welcome a new way of thinking. Focusing on God’s faithfulness and removing all the unanswered questions has helped.
 
Implementation – On those occasions in which we are invited to a wedding, a baby shower or graduation, we want to be happy for our friend’s child, but the reality is that we are somewhat filled with sorrow that our child will not be experiencing these events. Opposite feelings traveling towards us at once can be overwhelming and complicated. I have found peace by taking to prayer and pressing into the promises of God’s word. Giving myself permission to journey back to joy and be happy for others is what I believe is pleasing to the Lord. When I wear a smile, it symbolizes the reassurance that I will be reunited with my son. Learning to laugh again felt awkward but is medicine for my aching heart.
 
Grounding Scripture – Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” 
 
Prayer – Lord, we are grateful for the memories that we share. When we are at these crossroads, and two opposite sensations collide in our mind, help me to seek You with my whole heart and to trust You by always seeing Your light in the midst of my darkness. Renew my thinking by helping me to remember that the spirit of my loved one lives on in our hearts and minds. Amen
By Deana McGarr,  Copyright 2018
2 replies
  1. Corry
    Corry says:

    Beautifully written D. Proverbs 3:5 is a “goodie”! Thank you for sharing Grant’s gifts he’s left for us all to learn, grow and trust in the Lord with all our hearts. Our understanding of life is limited. Thankfully, our trust in the Lord will deliver us to Salvation ❤️

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  2. Marcy Robitaille
    Marcy Robitaille says:

    Proverbs 3:5 a portion of my life verse. Beautiful post. I am so grateful that my daughter too was able to save lives through her organ donation. We as moms Deana get an extra chapter to our child’s life!❤️ I look forward to hearing of your meeting with your son’s heart recipient. I can tell you from my own experience what a special connection I found when becoming friends with my daughter’s heart recipient. So many heart felt emotions. God is so good. Yes, a very good father.

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